The notion that we own someone and their sexuality because we’re dating them is unhealthy, unrealistic, and downright ridiculous. Is he monogamous? Does he only sleep with you? If that’s the case, then why do you feel like it’s necessary to take away his fantasies and masturbation? Masturbation and fantasies are very healthy, and if you’re not giving him his space to explore that, then I’m afraid you’re creating a stifling situation that’s not only unhealthy for the relationship, but also unhealthy for him. And if you’re not masturbating and participating in some degree of fantasy yourself, then I encourage you to reflect on your sense of self. It’s important to maintain your own sense of self even when you’re with someone that you absolutely love. Self-love and self-care are both absolutely necessary for your growth as an individual and for your mental health. Don’t neglect that and don’t demand that he neglect that.
If it really bothers you, then I encourage you to reflect on why it bothers you. Because this is more of a problem with you, than it is a problem with him. Now, of course, everything I’ve said doesn’t give him the right to disrespect you. Watching porn isn’t a form of disrespect, in my opinion, because watching porn is very much not about anything but the watcher’s own pleasure and therefore is just masturbation and self-care. But if he’s completely dismissing your discomfort without discussing it and and being a complete jerk, like bringing it up when he wants to piss you off, or being very blatantly obvious about doing it while knowing that it makes you uncomfortable, or. on the more extreme end, demanding that you do things he’s seen in porn, then that’s a problem. I’m not saying that he should have stopped to appease you, but if he’s not showing any concern for your feelings at all, then that’s not acceptable.
If someone has a healthy attitude about porn and has a healthy relationship with how they use porn, then it shouldn’t be impacting any relationships that they’re in. Do you feel like he’s skipping out on having sex with you so that he can watch porn instead? If so, then that’s the problem, and you need to discuss that with him. Do you feel like your sex life is lacking? Then, again, that’s the problem and you need to discuss that with him. Do you feel like he’s not attracted to you? That’s the problem, discuss it. Do you feel like he’s a misogynistic pig and that he disrespects women because he watches a certain type of porn? Tell him, then dump him. Whatever reason you have for feeling uncomfortable about him watching porn… Those are the things that you need to discuss with him. Not the actual act of watching porn.
All that being said, if your partner is doing something that makes you uncomfortable, you need to discuss it. Figure out why it’s important to them to continue to do this thing and then figure out why it’s so important for you that they not do this thing. If you can’t come to some sort of understanding and compromise on the situation, and it’s going to create an ongoing issue, then you’re simply not compatible. Which is completely fine, these things happen. Some people are interested in relationships where they define their worth and self through the person they’re with, and while I don’t think this is at all healthy, it’s your life and your choice. But you need to find someone who wants that same thing out of a relationship. Because someone who is interested in maintaining some sense of individuality, emotionally, intellectually or sexually, is not going to want to give that up to be in the type of relationship that you want, and it isn’t fair to expect that of them.
(I just want to add, that this is regarding the use of regular porn. If your boyfriend is watching rape-play porn or pedophilia shit or extremely violent type porn, then that’s an entirely different thing.)